Flashback Fridays: Um, Yeah......

Welcome to Week Twenty of Flashback Fridays where the old and new collide on everything from books to movies to first loves to favorite vacations. This week we're....uh, yeah, we're uh,....CRAP!!!!!

Yeah, so explaining about being once again postless makes me feel like the scene in Blues Brothers when Jake is aruging about why he didn't call his ex-fiancee. He says, "I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN'T MY FAULT!"


I could ramble about having the cold from hell, 130 essays to grade, a word count deadline from my agent, a massive Southern cooking overload on Sunday....you know, EPIC excuses. So, I'll just shut up and leave you with some Flashback Friday RANDOMNESS!!!







Can we just say how much I LOVED the game Clue growing up? I also watched the movie with Tim Curry, Madeline Kahn, and Martin Mull probably 9million times! It's epic!!








Who doesn't love an allusion to West Side Story? And srsly, doesn't YA literature need more epic dance scenes?












Couldn't resist some Twilight fun!!!






























NEXT WEEK: Ron Burgundy from Anchorman spouts wisdom on the writing game!!!

WANTED: LITERARY AGENT

Rejection-YES!

From: Rejection-YES! in collaboration with Query-YES! (a division of T. H. Mafi, Inc.)

To: AGENTS

Cc: EDITORS

Bcc: WRITERS

Subject: FWD: Fwd: RE: re: Re: Rejection-YES!

>>Agents!

>>>>>Do you need to spice up your rejection letters? Are your form responses reading a bit routine and dry? Do you miss the early days of the query-system and wonder what happened to handwritten thank-you-letters and honest communication and a cyber-world without stalkers? Are you bombarded by angry authors’ saccharine-sealed syringes of verbal vitriol and vindictive verses of angst and outrage? Are you tired of writers bad-mouthing you on the internet-magic-stream-of-information??

>>Does any of this sound familiar to you??

>>If so, I’m here to tell you there is hope!

>>!!>>For the outlandishly low, low, LOW low price of ONLY $500 (as easy as a car payment!) a month, you can subscribe to Rejection-YES!, a foolproof rejection system designed to bridge the gap between alienation and acceptance. It’s a magical technique that will revolutionize the rejection-industry while simultaneously solving all of your rejection woes! No more guilty headaches! No more late-night chocolate-binges!

!!!>>>You really can have the kind of author-rejection-relationship you dream of!

>So what are you waiting for? Open up that Paypal account Microsoft Word Document and subscribe to Rejection-YES! today!

>>>>Rejection-YES! is about saying NO to the rest!!

>>>www.Rejection-YES!dotcom

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A SNEAK PREVIEW OF THE REJECTION-YES! SUBSCRIPTION:

7 WAYS TO SPICE UP YOUR FORM REJECTION:

1. Try new things. Maybe use an endearment you’d normally feel too shy to employ? Agents: Insecurity is not attractive. Writers are attracted to confidence. Don’t be afraid to say what you’re really feeling. (Examples: Snickerdoodle, Snookie, The Situation, or Spider-monkey.) Maybe even include a picture of yourself. Do something very out of the ordinary and try something new with your writer. Spontaneity breeds longevity.

2. Talk to each other about what you want. If you want more action-adventure, tell the writer. If you want more mystery and fantasy, tell the writer. If you want to spend more time reading the kissy-kissy scenes, then tell them that, too. Spend some time really talking about what you like and want, and learning about what the writer likes and wants.

3. Relax together. How much time do you spend running around doing things or working on somethingelse? How much quality time do spend with your query-letters, where you actually read each and every word? If you have kids, get a babysitter. Turn off the phone, close your bedroom door, and just let the stress and demands go for a while. (They’ll still be there later!) A great way to read query-letters is while relaxing in a hot tub or a nice bath (just put your laptop in a Ziploc bag!). Your new, calm, tranquil self will translate into an improved rejection letter, and writers will love you for it!

4. Try something new in the bedroom. Start small if you need to. Change things up just a little bit, then build on that as much as you want. Maybe move your desk closer to the window? Maybe build a newdesk? Maybe buy a new lamp? Whatever you decide to do, be sure to talk about it with your writer so you can both share what you like, or anything you might not be comfortable with. Maybe employ a code word incase one of you gets uncomfortable with the new arrangement?? It helps considerably if you’re both on the same page.

5. Don’t let yourself go. Remember when you used to write those fancy blog posts or tweet those query status updates to catch your writer’s eye or turn his/her/it’s head? Remember when you used to show up in the AbsoluteWrite forums and answer writers’ questions? Remember when you used to call writers and offer them representation all the time?? You don’t have to stop now just because you’re a serious, deal-making agent! Try all those things that you used to do, and learn some new moves as well! Get your groove back!!

6. Play games together. There are lots of contests and even intellectual games you can play together. You can create your own, purchase something else, or use ideas from other people. You can even make up your own rules with fun props! Props are the key!! (Examples: flour, books, mugs, granola bars, long-stemmed roses.)

7. Use your words. The way you talk to your writer can be a fantastic way to spice up your rejection-relationship! Instead of nagging or complaining, try complimenting and admiring. Tell them what you love about them, instead of pointing out all the little things that drive you crazy. What you focus on will expand, so focus on the things you want more of!

These are just a few ideas to get you started. But as you’ve undoubtedly deduced, spicing up your rejection-relationship does not have to be complicated and difficult. Once you try a few things, you’ll probably find that not only is it easy, but it’s also fun and enjoyable. So be prepared to make all your agent-friends wildly jealous of your new rejection-relationships!!

SUBSCRIBE TO REJECTION-YES! TODAY!!

Rejection-YES! is about saying NO to the rest!!

www.Rejection-YES!dotcom

Rejection-YES! is a sister company of Query-YES! Copyright © 2010

Query-YES! T. H. Mafi, Inc. All rights reserved.

Unless otherwise indicated, all materials on these pages are copyrighted by Query-YES! T. H. Mafi, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of these pages, either text or image may be used for any purpose other than personal use. Therefore, reproduction, modification, storage in a retrieval system or retransmission, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical or otherwise, for reasons other than personal use, is strictly prohibited without prior written permission. 

SERIOUSLY.

We'll hunt you down. We're not even joking a little bit.   

Query-YES! is the only way to guarantee SUCCESS! 

www.query-yes!dotcom

WHAT JANET REID IS REALLY THINKING

TOP FIVE REASONS (THERE ARE MORE) WHY JANET AND HER AGENT-POSSE-FRIENDS TURNED YOU DOWN 

(proceed with caution. this post intended for funnies only.) 

1. YOUR QUERY LETTER IS TOO PERSONAL 
1. Don’t be a shmuck.
1. You’re not best friends.
2.  Don’t personalize the email, you crazy stalker.
3. Do you want them to get a restraining order??
1. THE POINT: no more using first names, last names, surnames, or baby names. Just CC every agent in the industry. Keep it generic. They like that kind of thing. It makes them think you’re professional.

2. YOUR BOOK IS TOO SHORT 
1. You really think you can tell a story in 50-100,000 words?
1. You obviously know nothing about the literary industry. (Have you even SEEN the 7^th Harry Potter book??) (Have you??)
2. Good books dive into details. LOTS OF DETAILS.
3. DON’T CUT WORDS. You have to savor every saturated syllable in every silky sultry letter you use to describe the 15 varying variations of the differentiated differences in the different shades of silvery symmetry in the cascading currents of the Caribbean sunset. Maybe note why each one is so unbelievably and unimaginably insignificant, and maybe throwing in a sonnet (iambic pentameter, lest we forget) wouldn’t hurt either.
1. THE POINT: your book needs to be at least 200k. Any shorter and agents will laugh at your ignorance.

3. YOUR FONT IS UNREADABLE (this is a real word) 
1. Times New Roman, guys? Seriously??
1. You need to stand out. Be unique! Creative! Show off your personality! Try something new!
2. Also: black is so BLAH. Font colors should be sharp and vibrant! The brighter the font, the easier it is to read. See?? <-----
3. Papyrus! Lucida sans Unicode! Comic sans MS! Futura! Bell Gothic bold! (Maybe make your own handwriting!)
1. THE POINT: with so many font colors and options available, why do what everyone else is doing?? Be MEMORABLE! (Fuchsia STENCIL STD is my fave.)

4. YOU NEVER SPECIFIY WHAT TYPE OF NOVEL YOU’RE WRITING 
1. This one should be obvious, guys, SERIOUSLY.
1. Is it a FICTION novel?
2. Is it a non-fiction novel?? 
3. Is it a memoir novel?
1. THE POINT: be specific. Fiction novels are VERY different from non-fiction novels/memoir novels/photography novels/biography novels/picture-book novels/etc.

5. IT DOESN’T RHYME 
1. Everyone knows that rhyming-things are more catchy, and consequently, less likely to be forgotten.
1. If your query doesn’t rhyme, you’re not doing it right. Not really.
2. It helps if you choose words that end in –end (more things rhyme with this.)
3. Random example:

My novel is made of fiction, 

my fiction is made of words.

My words are filled with diction,

my prose is made of turds (insert: genius).

The story is about a sailor,

the sailor goes on a trip.

The story is about a sailor 

and the whale who eats his ship. 

Etc. etc. 

1. THE POINT: see how much better rhyming-queries read? The query possibilities are endless!

THE FINAL POINT:

Don’t be bothered to read query guidelines and/or rules and/or restrictions and/or regulations. Guidelines are for geeks. (And you don’t want to be shoved in a locker, DO YOU??) (DO YOU????) Let your TRUE personality shine through your query letters. CALL the agents at their offices, maybe even their cell phones. (They might like the sound of your voice, because hey! Maybe your voice is sexier than your words? Work with what you’ve got!) ALSO: Drop in unannounced as much as possible, (maybe with a bouquet of long-stemmed roses??) because agents want friends just as much as you want a book deal. If you show them you really care, it’ll prove how dedicated you are to your craft, and they’ll be sure to respond more quickly. More $$$$$$$ literary pleasure for you!!

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!

Send your dream agent that personalized mug full of granola bars/bleached flour/stale valentine’s day candy/personal care products/love note/your phone number!!

AGENTS ARE WAITING FOR YOU!

In conjunction with NEAT TIP! Nes-day, this post is sponsored in part by Query-YES! Copyright © 2010 Query-YES! T. H. Mafi, Inc. All rights reserved. Unless otherwise indicated, all materials on these pages are copyrighted by Query-YES! T. H. Mafi, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of these pages, either text or image may be used for any purpose other than personal use. Therefore, reproduction, modification, storage in a retrieval system or retransmission, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical or otherwise, for reasons other than personal use, is strictly prohibited without prior written permission. 

SERIOUSLY. We'll hunt you down. We're not even joking a little bit.   

Query-YES! is the only way to guarantee SUCCESS! 

www.query-yes!dotcom

QUERY-YES WILL CHANGE YOUR QUERYING-LIFE FOREVER

Are your query letters just not cutting it? Are rejections piling up in your inbox? At the mailbox? Are your superbly-crafted queries just. not. garnering the interest you expected? Are you sad? Are you very sad? Do you find yourself sitting in front of your computer hitting the 'refresh' button so many times you've developed carpal-tunnel? Do you experience unexpected bouts of self-deprecating thoughts? Do you have too many cats and not enough ice cream? Do you ever find yourself feeling so low that you've actually considered revising your query letter? Or even the forbidden revision of your manuscript?? Have agents lied about the effectiveness of rhetorical questions??

Well, today everything is going to change, because I have the solution to all of your query-woes.

For the low, low introductory price of $19.99 a day, I'll fill your inbox with Query-YES! a new development in the literary world that is going to change everything about the way we work. With Query-YES! you'll never struggle for that perfect opening line, or even an attempt at defining your genre. Genre is so subjective as to be meaningless these days, and agents know this. They're query guidelines are so full of so full of typos and grammatical erros that they can't even be trusted. But Query-YES! is on your side. 

Every day, Query-YES! will drop a new, customizable query letter into your inbox. These query letters have been tested by everyone I know, and even my parents have approved of them!  (And we all know how tough parents can be, don't we?) With this airtight success-rate, Query-YES! is sure to land you the literary agent of your dreams! So what are you waiting for? Order Query-YES! today!

Query-YES! is the only way to guarantee SUCCESS! 

www.query-yes!dotcom

Continue reading for a free sample of Query-YES! solutions! 
(Query-YES! is a division of T. H. Mafi, Inc.)       >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>>

>>>Dear AGENT [sir/madam/snickerdoodle/insert endearment of choice]:

>>>My name is the one you’ve been dreaming of. My face haunts you in your sleep (see attached). My fingers type sweet nothings into your inbox, and you’ve been fighting the urge to offer me representation for some time now. I’ve written to provide you with the relief you need. I’ve written, to tell you, [sir/madam] (this includes all 5,000 of you I’ve CC’d, just so you know this email has been personalized), that the time has come for you to cast-off your fears, and welcome me into your heart, your office, your home, and maybe your bed (are you single?).

>>My current work-in-progress (which I’m certain you’ll absolutely adore once it’s finished) is something of an anomaly. The world has never seen anything quite like it, actually. If I were forced against my better judgment to describe it, I’d have to call it a healthy mix of fantasy, mystery, romance, science-fiction, action-adventure, epic narrative non-fiction, something about a forbidden ruby, a magic lamp, a flying carpet -- oh wait, wait, sorry, that was something else. No, my novel has a special ring, preciousssssss, some tiny hobbits -- oh, oh, oh dear, sorry, that was another book, wasn’t it? My apologies. (I’m obviously very well-read.) The truth is, that in addition to the aforementioned list, my novel features a fairy-boy who exudes sweat-bead-reminiscent-sparkly-skin in the sunlight. The plot will follow his insatiable need to eat a non-fairy girl. She will, at one point, beg him to eat her.

>>>>>>>I assure you that there is something quite forbidden in the novel. (Like forbidden love, perhaps.) Someone has no powers and will discover that, actually, he/she has an incredibly well hidden family tree tattooed on his/her back that includes a note about the powers he/she will acquire at the tender age of 16. The story will also involve some kind of sophisticated-power amulet. To make matters more thoroughly spellbinding, someone will discover a stone with inherent magical abilities. There will be a character who simply appears at random to serve no other purpose than to provide unquantifiable and otherwise irrelevant information. The protagonist will consequently learn a special, ancient art form of kung-fu while struggling to understand herself and simultaneously save the world. She and her breath-takingly-jaw-achingly-heaven-scentedly-swoon-inducingly-inhumanly-gorgeous Love Interest will live happily-ever-after. (OR DO THEY??)

>>>I’m sure that you are desperate for this letter to end so that you may hit ‘Reply’ and offer me immediate representation. But [sir/madam], I can be of some comfort when I reassure you that there is plenty of time for our relationship to blossom and begin.

>First, I must tell you more about my ideas for the future. Alongside the photo I took of myself this morning (my very enticing ‘come hither’ look was inspired almost entirely by you) I’ve attached my rendition of what I am firmly convinced must be the cover of this book. You may have already wet your pants (don’t be embarrassed) in anticipation of the wonder that is my soon-to-be-completed-fiction-novel-of-literary-genius, but do not fear; I will not judge you for using the bathroom in your khakis so unexpectedly. It is, in fact, to be expected, once you begin to fathom the earth-shattering success and unprecedented amounts of money my book will undoubtedly acquire. Not to worry, [sir/madam], I will be here to hold your hand throughout the process. But enough about you, and back to me. (I will, after all, be the mastermind of this wildly lucrative under-taking.)

>>>>>>>>>>>>Born and raised in the heart of a world no other would ever be able to understand and/or appreciate, the life of this troubled author was never easy, nor shall it ever be easy, nor do I think anyone will ever be able to understand what it is, exactly, I endure on a daily basis. My mind is so often wracked with rhythm and blues, red and black hues, surreptitious cues to peruse the delicately crafted muse of my heart. Do not confuse my unique issues with those odious few who think they are shrewd enough to compete with my art. It is simply impossible. I am an inventor an exemplary contender in this sedentary standstill stuck in this static stoic state of sadistic sobriety we call life. I am a collector a connector a catalyst for consensual collaboration connected in cooperation with creators of creational recreational conversational banter. I am a master of sensation and unforeseeable syntactical salvation, I am a mother a father a sister a daughter an either an other an ordinary utter of a broken-hearted brother. I am everything you’ve ever dreamed of in a client. This much should be obvious by now.

>>!!>!>>>Calm, now, [sir/madam], you must be calm. Do not cry for fear of losing me. I have enclosed the entirety of my unfinished fiction novel, saved in a .docxerrorformat006tr0xx for your convenience. I will grant you one week to look over my manuscript in order to ensure the 32-point Papyrus font is to your liking. I have no doubt you will shed tears, blood, and copious amounts of hair upon reviewing my work. You may, in fact, lose an eye or two. I feel it necessary to warn you now.

>>>I will be waiting at home, taking photos of myself in the mirror, thinking of you the entire time I wait for your response. Please do not forget to mention your gender in your reply, and whether or not you are available for a committed, long-term relationship. I am devoted to my craft. This much is reflected in my life, and it will be reflected in our soon-to-be concretized relationship.

>You may thank me for my time.

Oh to love, to love, to love,

To love me is not a crime.

To love, to love, to love,

I’ll stalk you until you’re mine.

>>>Sincerely,

Soon-to-be-rich-and-famous-and-happily-secured-in-a-monogamous-relationship-author@gmail.com

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Copyright © 2010  Query-YES! T. H. Mafi, Inc. All rights reserved.

Unless otherwise indicated, all materials on these pages are copyrighted by Query-YES! T. H. Mafi, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of these pages, either text or image may be used for any purpose other than personal use. Therefore, reproduction, modification, storage in a retrieval system or retransmission, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical or otherwise, for reasons other than personal use, is strictly prohibited without prior written permission. 

SERIOUSLY. We'll hunt you down. We're not even joking a little bit.   

Query-YES! is the only way to guarantee SUCCESS! 

www.query-yes!dotcom