Monday, April 26, 2010


Are your query letters just not cutting it? Are rejections piling up in your inbox? At the mailbox? Are your superbly-crafted queries just. not. garnering the interest you expected? Are you sad? Are you very sad? Do you find yourself sitting in front of your computer hitting the 'refresh' button so many times you've developed carpal-tunnel? Do you experience unexpected bouts of self-deprecating thoughts? Do you have too many cats and not enough ice cream? Do you ever find yourself feeling so low that you've actually considered revising your query letter? Or even the forbidden revision of your manuscript?? Have agents lied about the effectiveness of rhetorical questions??

Well, today everything is going to change, because I have the solution to all of your query-woes.

For the low, low introductory price of $19.99 a day, I'll fill your inbox with Query-YES! a new development in the literary world that is going to change everything about the way we work. With Query-YES! you'll never struggle for that perfect opening line, or even an attempt at defining your genre. Genre is so subjective as to be meaningless these days, and agents know this. They're query guidelines are so full of so full of typos and grammatical erros that they can't even be trusted. But Query-YES! is on your side. 

Every day, Query-YES! will drop a new, customizable query letter into your inbox. These query letters have been tested by everyone I know, and even my parents have approved of them!  (And we all know how tough parents can be, don't we?) With this airtight success-rate, Query-YES! is sure to land you the literary agent of your dreams! So what are you waiting for? Order Query-YES! today!

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(Query-YES! is a division of T. H. Mafi, Inc.)       >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


>>>Dear AGENT [sir/madam/snickerdoodle/insert endearment of choice]:

>>>My name is the one you’ve been dreaming of. My face haunts you in your sleep (see attached). My fingers type sweet nothings into your inbox, and you’ve been fighting the urge to offer me representation for some time now. I’ve written to provide you with the relief you need. I’ve written, to tell you, [sir/madam] (this includes all 5,000 of you I’ve CC’d, just so you know this email has been personalized), that the time has come for you to cast-off your fears, and welcome me into your heart, your office, your home, and maybe your bed (are you single?).

>>My current work-in-progress (which I’m certain you’ll absolutely adore once it’s finished) is something of an anomaly. The world has never seen anything quite like it, actually. If I were forced against my better judgment to describe it, I’d have to call it a healthy mix of fantasy, mystery, romance, science-fiction, action-adventure, epic narrative non-fiction, something about a forbidden ruby, a magic lamp, a flying carpet -- oh wait, wait, sorry, that was something else. No, my novel has a special ring, preciousssssss, some tiny hobbits -- oh, oh, oh dear, sorry, that was another book, wasn’t it? My apologies. (I’m obviously very well-read.) The truth is, that in addition to the aforementioned list, my novel features a fairy-boy who exudes sweat-bead-reminiscent-sparkly-skin in the sunlight. The plot will follow his insatiable need to eat a non-fairy girl. She will, at one point, beg him to eat her.

>>>>>>>I assure you that there is something quite forbidden in the novel. (Like forbidden love, perhaps.) Someone has no powers and will discover that, actually, he/she has an incredibly well hidden family tree tattooed on his/her back that includes a note about the powers he/she will acquire at the tender age of 16. The story will also involve some kind of sophisticated-power amulet. To make matters more thoroughly spellbinding, someone will discover a stone with inherent magical abilities. There will be a character who simply appears at random to serve no other purpose than to provide unquantifiable and otherwise irrelevant information. The protagonist will consequently learn a special, ancient art form of kung-fu while struggling to understand herself and simultaneously save the world. She and her breath-takingly-jaw-achingly-heaven-scentedly-swoon-inducingly-inhumanly-gorgeous Love Interest will live happily-ever-after. (OR DO THEY??)

>>>I’m sure that you are desperate for this letter to end so that you may hit ‘Reply’ and offer me immediate representation. But [sir/madam], I can be of some comfort when I reassure you that there is plenty of time for our relationship to blossom and begin.

>First, I must tell you more about my ideas for the future. Alongside the photo I took of myself this morning (my very enticing ‘come hither’ look was inspired almost entirely by you) I’ve attached my rendition of what I am firmly convinced must be the cover of this book. You may have already wet your pants (don’t be embarrassed) in anticipation of the wonder that is my soon-to-be-completed-fiction-novel-of-literary-genius, but do not fear; I will not judge you for using the bathroom in your khakis so unexpectedly. It is, in fact, to be expected, once you begin to fathom the earth-shattering success and unprecedented amounts of money my book will undoubtedly acquire. Not to worry, [sir/madam], I will be here to hold your hand throughout the process. But enough about you, and back to me. (I will, after all, be the mastermind of this wildly lucrative under-taking.)

>>>>>>>>>>>>Born and raised in the heart of a world no other would ever be able to understand and/or appreciate, the life of this troubled author was never easy, nor shall it ever be easy, nor do I think anyone will ever be able to understand what it is, exactly, I endure on a daily basis. My mind is so often wracked with rhythm and blues, red and black hues, surreptitious cues to peruse the delicately crafted muse of my heart. Do not confuse my unique issues with those odious few who think they are shrewd enough to compete with my art. It is simply impossible. I am an inventor an exemplary contender in this sedentary standstill stuck in this static stoic state of sadistic sobriety we call life. I am a collector a connector a catalyst for consensual collaboration connected in cooperation with creators of creational recreational conversational banter. I am a master of sensation and unforeseeable syntactical salvation, I am a mother a father a sister a daughter an either an other an ordinary utter of a broken-hearted brother. I am everything you’ve ever dreamed of in a client. This much should be obvious by now.

>>!!>!>>>Calm, now, [sir/madam], you must be calm. Do not cry for fear of losing me. I have enclosed the entirety of my unfinished fiction novel, saved in a .docxerrorformat006tr0xx for your convenience. I will grant you one week to look over my manuscript in order to ensure the 32-point Papyrus font is to your liking. I have no doubt you will shed tears, blood, and copious amounts of hair upon reviewing my work. You may, in fact, lose an eye or two. I feel it necessary to warn you now.

>>>I will be waiting at home, taking photos of myself in the mirror, thinking of you the entire time I wait for your response. Please do not forget to mention your gender in your reply, and whether or not you are available for a committed, long-term relationship. I am devoted to my craft. This much is reflected in my life, and it will be reflected in our soon-to-be concretized relationship.

>You may thank me for my time.

Oh to love, to love, to love,
To love me is not a crime.
To love, to love, to love,
I’ll stalk you until you’re mine.



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Query-YES! T. H. Mafi, Inc. All rights reserved.

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SERIOUSLY. We'll hunt you down. We're not even joking a little bit.   

Query-YES! is the only way to guarantee SUCCESS! 


Anonymous said...

You, bestie, are hilarious. I am so tempted to try this out! :D

Kathleen said...

"My mind is so often wracked with rhythm and blues, red and black hues, surreptitious cues to peruse the delicately crafted muse of my heart."

My soul hurts. But in the best possible way.

Danyelle said...

You are made of awesome! This was hilarious!

Marquita Hockaday said...

LOL- that is pure genius! I wish my query letter was half as creative as that one. If I were an agent I would sign that person right away!

Pam Harris said...

Okay, I am doing a copy and paste into my query letter right now. :)

J.S. Wood said...


Love it!!

Kay said...

RFLOL ... and I was thinking of going back to my revision when you hooked me.

Krista Ashe said...

You're hilarious! Awesome query..wish I'd known about it when I was querying!

houndrat said...

CURSES--I *KNOW* I would have totally snagged an agent faster had I used your AMAZING system! :D :D

Janet Reid said...

Cease and desist with this hilarity! I am falling behind on answering my mail because I'm too busy laughing.

You are a MENACE to Society!

word verifcation (you can't make this stuff up) TOXIN

Shelley Watters said...

This was hilarious! Thanks for the Monday pick me up. I needed it!

Annie said...

I laughed so hard I CRIED.


Thanks for making my Monday bearable!

anna black said...

This is great and I'm sure you have recieved alot of queries written in this fashion. Maybe you should write a blog about over confifent writers and compare them to wanna be contestants on American Idol.

Leah said...

"...and welcome me into your heart, your office, your home, and maybe your bed (are you single?)"

HAHAHAHA! I freakin' love it.
Sign me up :P

Annie McElfresh said...

Dude, is it wrong that I was sadly answering yes at the beginning???? LOL