April Fools Day ARMOR.

Hi. I’m Veronica, and April Fools Day makes me edgy. Not “edgy” like some of you like your YA…”edgy” like if you sneak up behind me I will scream bloody murder and wield my karate chopping hands of DOOM edgy. You can’t trick me. I’m too suspicious.

I am here to provide you with several methods of protecting yourself against the trickery of those jerkwad– er, I mean, lovely, mischievous people who will spend all day trying to get you to check for a stain on your shirt and then run their finger up your nose. I call this list: WAYS TO WARD OFF THE FOOLS DAY FOOLS. I hope you read these before it’s too late.

1. Constantly look over your shoulder to see if someone is behind you. In fact, if you could turn in circles every few seconds and then make this sound: “WAH PAHHHH!” that would also be helpful for you. Because nobody messes with a circle-turning guy who shouts “WAH PAHHHH!” Nobody.

2. Practice your “Pshhhhh. I don’t believe you.” face in the mirror. Everyone needs a good “pshhhh. I don’t believe you” face.

The trick is to make it skeptical but not disdainful, so that if you discover that the person you’re talking to is actually being genuine, it transitions easily into a frowning-yet-understanding-nod very quickly, like so:

But if you discover that the person you’re talking to is really a butthead trying to shove a rubber snake down your pants, YOU KNEW IT ALL ALONG. The FACE says so.

3. Stay in your room, armed with a can of silly string. That way, if someone tries to jump out at you, you can spray them in the face with the string and then cackle to yourself for a few seconds as they recover from the surprise. Be careful that the person you’re spraying isn’t your boss, coming by to deliver some kind of TPS report (…clearly, I don’t work in an office) because you could get yourself into an awful lot of trouble. The good thing is, it’s April Fools Day. You have an excuse. And everyone knows it’s not cool to be a lame-o on AFD.

4. Be suspicious of all big/exciting “news”. Chances are…IT’S A LIE. I mean, this really goes without saying. If someone tells you that aliens have landed on April 1st, wait until April 2nd to freak the hell out.

Or, you know. If someone tells you…that on April 15th, OPWFT will be MOVING to a new blog and taking on a new name. With the same people (plus a few *cough* stellar newbies) and the same awesome.

So there you have it. My foolproof tips for kicking buns and taking names on AFD instead of walking around with a sign on your back like a chump. LIKE A CHUMP.

Original post published on Old People Writing for Teens by GotYA contributor Veronica Roth. Original post and reader comments can be viewed here.