Tuesday, May 18, 2010

WHAT JANET REID IS REALLY THINKING





TOP FIVE REASONS (THERE ARE MORE) WHY JANET AND HER AGENT-POSSE-FRIENDS TURNED YOU DOWN 
(proceed with caution. this post intended for funnies only.) 

  1. YOUR QUERY LETTER IS TOO PERSONAL 
    1. Don’t be a shmuck.
      1. You’re not best friends.
      2.  Don’t personalize the email, you crazy stalker.
      3. Do you want them to get a restraining order??
        1. THE POINT: no more using first names, last names, surnames, or baby names. Just CC every agent in the industry. Keep it generic. They like that kind of thing. It makes them think you’re professional.
  1. YOUR BOOK IS TOO SHORT 
    1. You really think you can tell a story in 50-100,000 words?
      1. You obviously know nothing about the literary industry. (Have you even SEEN the 7th Harry Potter book??) (Have you??)
      2. Good books dive into details. LOTS OF DETAILS.
      3. DON’T CUT WORDS. You have to savor every saturated syllable in every silky sultry letter you use to describe the 15 varying variations of the differentiated differences in the different shades of silvery symmetry in the cascading currents of the Caribbean sunset. Maybe note why each one is so unbelievably and unimaginably insignificant, and maybe throwing in a sonnet (iambic pentameter, lest we forget) wouldn’t hurt either.
        1. THE POINT: your book needs to be at least 200k. Any shorter and agents will laugh at your ignorance.
  1. YOUR FONT IS UNREADABLE (this is a real word) 
    1. Times New Roman, guys? Seriously??
      1. You need to stand out. Be unique! Creative! Show off your personality! Try something new!
      2. Also: black is so BLAH. Font colors should be sharp and vibrant! The brighter the font, the easier it is to read. See?? <-----
      3. Papyrus! Lucida sans Unicode! Comic sans MS! Futura! Bell Gothic bold! (Maybe make your own handwriting!)
        1. THE POINT: with so many font colors and options available, why do what everyone else is doing?? Be MEMORABLE! (Fuchsia STENCIL STD is my fave.)
  1. YOU NEVER SPECIFIY WHAT TYPE OF NOVEL YOU’RE WRITING 
    1. This one should be obvious, guys, SERIOUSLY.
      1. Is it a FICTION novel?
      2. Is it a non-fiction novel?? 
      3. Is it a memoir novel?
        1. THE POINT: be specific. Fiction novels are VERY different from non-fiction novels/memoir novels/photography novels/biography novels/picture-book novels/etc.
  1. IT DOESN’T RHYME 
    1. Everyone knows that rhyming-things are more catchy, and consequently, less likely to be forgotten.
      1. If your query doesn’t rhyme, you’re not doing it right. Not really.
      2. It helps if you choose words that end in –end (more things rhyme with this.)
      3. Random example:

My novel is made of fiction, 
my fiction is made of words.
My words are filled with diction,
my prose is made of turds (insert: genius).

The story is about a sailor,
the sailor goes on a trip.
The story is about a sailor 
and the whale who eats his ship. 
Etc. etc. 
        1. THE POINT: see how much better rhyming-queries read? The query possibilities are endless!


    THE FINAL POINT:

    Don’t be bothered to read query guidelines and/or rules and/or restrictions and/or regulationsGuidelines are for geeks. (And you don’t want to be shoved in a locker, DO YOU??) (DO YOU????) Let your TRUE personality shine through your query lettersCALL the agents at their offices, maybe even their cell phones. (They might like the sound of your voice, because hey! Maybe your voice is sexier than your words? Work with what you’ve got!) ALSO: Drop in unannounced as much as possible, (maybe with a bouquet of long-stemmed roses??) because agents want friends just as much as you want a book deal. If you show them you really care, it’ll prove how dedicated you are to your craft, and they’ll be sure to respond more quickly. More $$$$$$$ literary pleasure for you!!

    SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!

    Send your dream agent that personalized mug full of granola bars/bleached flour/stale valentine’s day candy/personal care products/love note/your phone number!!

    AGENTS ARE WAITING FOR YOU!

    In conjunction with NEAT TIP! Nes-day, this post is sponsored in part by Query-YESCopyright © 2010 Query-YES! T. H. Mafi, Inc. All rights reserved. Unless otherwise indicated, all materials on these pages are copyrighted by Query-YES! T. H. Mafi, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of these pages, either text or image may be used for any purpose other than personal use. Therefore, reproduction, modification, storage in a retrieval system or retransmission, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical or otherwise, for reasons other than personal use, is strictly prohibited without prior written permission. 
    SERIOUSLY. We'll hunt you down. We're not even joking a little bit.   
    Query-YES! is the only way to guarantee SUCCESS! 

    13 comments:

    Leah said...

    AWE, MAN! WHY HAVE I NEVER RHYMED MY QUERIES?!?
    That's pure brilliance!!

    Sarah said...

    I just peed my pants a little.

    Wendy Sparrow said...

    It was the varying variations of the differentiated differences in the different shades... that made me both choke and laugh at the same time.

    AWESOME!

    Josin L. McQuein said...

    All tips guaranteed to make your query UNPUTDOWNABLE <--- which is a totally real word thanks to James Patterson, must be written in all caps, and is probably copywritered... written... wrote...

    GRRR...

    It's whatever gets you sued if you use it without permission since it was a totally fake word before James Patterson.

    (They make stencils for STD's now?)

    Angela Francis said...

    A bouquet of long-stemmed roses! Why didn't I think of that? Not creepy at all!

    This is the best, great morning laugh!

    Stina Lindenblatt said...

    Darn it. So much for my rhyming query. Guess it's back to the old drawing board.

    Krista Ashe said...

    Like Sarah, I have soiled myself at this post! Loved the word count one!!

    Candyland said...

    The rhyme is where it's at.

    Mia said...

    Hahaha, genius and also it had to be Tahereh :P I not have tea down my top.

    ALSO, I'm rhyming from now on.

    janflora said...

    Now, I know my problem! I only write novel novels. They are so new and original that obviously nobody in the antiquated world of publishing can even understand them. Especially the non-fiction ones.

    Dorothy Dreyer said...

    Heehee! Awesomesauce.

    Kierah Jane Reilly said...

    "my prose is made of turds"

    Now, that was genius.

    Rachele Alpine said...

    HA, ha! This links up to my query letter today! I think after reading your advice, it may just land me an agent!

    http://freckle-head.blogspot.com/2010/05/what-not-to-do.html